You walk into a room where two people are talking and as they glance your way they immediately stop talking. What do you think? If you’re like most people, you think they are talking about you!
As Coach Jones Sr. (my dad) said years ago, “They aren’t thinking about you, Julie.” “How do you know” I responded. “Because they are too busy thinking about themselves”, he said!
My dad’s lesson was brought to life this week as I spoke to a few teams about their performance and things that affect their ability to be their best. SO MANY things affect our performance, one at the top of the list is how we FEEL about how we are doing and what is happening around us.
Another real-life scenario that makes us think we are in the center of everyone's spotlight...our team is getting our butts handed to us. We don’t feel good about it or anything going on. We get uncomfortable.
Our confidence starts to falter. And suddenly, we don’t act or feel like ourselves.
Then what?
We notice what everyone around us is doing…and think it’s because of us!
How we feel about ourselves changes how we respond…or in this case, react, to things around us!
Our confidence, or lack thereof, isn’t just about how we perform; it shapes the way we see the world. When we feel secure and self-assured, we assume the best. The world is rooting for us…even when they aren’t!
When we’re feeling shaky, we read into every glance, every tone, and every delay in response like a detective searching for evidence that something is wrong. And we know that we always find what we are looking for!
When we’re winning, we don’t notice what our coach is doing! When we’re losing, we “feel her negative energy”, we wonder why he or she isn’t saying anything, we notice things we overlook when things are going well, and we feel good! I was reminded of this as I listened to a team talk about things that distract them when things aren’t going well. “Coach just sits there,” they said. Another kid perks up and said, “I bet she just sits there when we are kicking butt, too. We just don’t notice.”
Exactly!
Usher in the negativity bias! Our brains are wired to detect threats. From an evolutionary standpoint, this is awesome. It kept our ancestors alive. But in today’s world, where saber-toothed tigers have been replaced by social interactions and performance pressure, our threat detection system hasn’t adapted quite as well.
When we’re feeling insecure, our amygdala shows up again (darn thing) and goes into overdrive. Dr. John Cacioppo, a leader in social neuroscience and his team found that a heightened emotional state makes us hyperaware of social cues. We overanalyze facial expressions, tones of voice, and even text messages, often assigning negative intent where there is none. This is why one slightly raised eyebrow can turn into “They’re mad at me”, even when the person was just thinking about what to eat for lunch…or that they want to strangle the umpire so sitting idly is the best choice! 😊
See, they aren’t thinking about us. You’re right, Dad!
Athletes (all of us) who are confident in their abilities are less likely to be thrown off by the fans (this variable is always at the top of the “distractions” list for teams…which I found as a surprise at first) or the opponent’s behaviors because they don’t interpret those external cues as threats. Instead, they stay focused on their performance. When athletes (or any of us) doubt themselves, they often become distracted by perceived slights or external feedback, real or imagined (Beilock, 2010).
But often, the only thing that’s wrong with what everyone around us is doing is the story we’re telling ourselves.
When we feel insecure, we don’t just notice more, we create more. That’s because our brain HATES uncertainty. If we don’t know what someone is thinking, we fill in the blanks.
And since we love to think about what is wrong, when we’re low on confidence, we don’t fill in those blanks with “I bet they think I’m awesome!” We assume they think we stink!
UC Riverside’s Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky’s research tells us that the stories we tell ourselves directly impact our emotions and behaviors. If we assume someone dislikes us or is judging us, we may withdraw, play cautiously or mirror negative energy (that we are assuming is there…or maybe it’s ours reflecting off of others??), all based on an assumption. And we know what happens when we ASS-U-ME!
So, what do we do? How do we stop overanalyzing every interaction and start seeing things as they are…not as we are?
When we catch ourselves overanalyzing, pause and ask, “Is this about them, or is this about how I feel about myself right now?” Or even better, go back to, “What’s important now?”
Because, ultimately, what others think, true or not, does not help us win what’s in front of us! Either way, recognizing when our insecurity is driving our perception helps us separate fact from fiction…and perform better!
This self-awareness also helps us avoid our innate tendency to blame. Our coach's behavior, which probably doesn't affect us when we go 3 for 4 isn't the reason we are 0 - 4 today...even though we noticed it today and it changed the way we felt...which changed our focus and approach!
If we do "feel" like these outside factors are affecting our performance, we can also flip the script…instead of assuming negative intent. As I told the team whose coach “just sits there” when they are getting beat, instead of thinking she’s ready to rip your head off or embarrassed, consider the fact that she may be thinking about what she needs to do next to help the team perform better! This simple shift can reduce unnecessary stress.
We know that elite performers focus on execution instead of external distractions more often than not (they would not be elite if they worried about, as Dr. Rob Gilbert says WWOPS – what will other people say), we can shift your attention to what you can control. Our sphere of control is pretty small when it comes right down to it! Even if we do know what others are thinking, we have NO control over it! We control our actions and effort, and THAT’S IT!
Drawing that imaginary line down the middle of our brain that I’ve used so many times and moving things to the controllable or uncontrollable side of the graph can shift our thinking and our energy!
And here’s a novel idea! Instead of guessing what someone thinks…and I know this I the last thing we think about because we already told ourselves a story about what will be said, ASK! I can’t tell you how many times my athletes tell me what their coach thinks, and when I ask them if the coach said so, they say “no.”! So, they are ASS-U-MEing that’s what the coach thinks…and I bet the coach isn’t thinking about them!
Asking may seem painful (since we tell ourselves it will be), but open communication prevents the spiral of assumptions and keeps relationships strong. As Jon Gordon says, “Where there is a lack of communication, negativity fills it!”
Finally, we know the way we talk to ourselves matters. Research from Dr. Kristin Neff on self-compassion shows that treating ourselves with kindness instead of self-criticism reduces anxiety and helps build confidence. This sounds all fluffy and kumbaya, but beating ourselves up does our opponent’s job for them!
When we feel insecure, we can remind ourselves that everyone has these moments. Even Lebron James uses mental performance tools to help boost his confidence. And if he has doubts and if his emotions make him feel a bit shaky at times, what do we expect? These feelings and stories don’t define him. He’s still the best. Or us!
When we realize that the world around us isn’t changing whether we are winning or losing. OUR VIEW OF IT IS! And that view depends largely on how we feel about ourselves.
The next time you catch yourself assuming the worst, take a breath and ask, “Is this true, or is this just my brain’s way of making up a story?” The more we recognize the role the way we feel plays in shaping our perception, the more control we gain over our mindset…and ultimately, our performance, our relationships, and our success.
So, what are you noticing around you? Would you notice those things if you were on top of the world? The truth of it is, those things don’t matter when you are winning…and they most likely don’t matter when you aren’t either! You get to choose what you think and how you feel. And those things miraculously change what others are “doing” around you 😊!
Manage the moments!
Julie
P.S. The mental part of the game matters. Let’s up your team’s performance with a program designed specifically for you!
Send me a text at 234-206-0946 or an email at juliej@ssbperformance.com and schedule a call to see how we can enhance your program’s mental approach!
Julie Jones
Mental Performance Coach
SSB Performance
juliej@ssbperformance.com • 234-206-0946
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