It’s September 1st…a big day in NCAA recruiting in some sports! And it’s time to sell our programs to our next superstars! Sometimes we don’t need to give the hard sell. Sometimes it’s not so easy. But in both instances, we often hear the phrase, "We're a family," tossed around to describe our program and our culture. I used it for years. In fact, most of the teams I work with use it. It evokes unity, trust, and a sense of belonging. It says we are good coaches…. good humans who truly care for those we lead. We promise parents that we will care for their kids like our own. And we do in so many ways.
But if you catch yourself doing this today, maybe we should think about whether calling a team a family really the best approach. While the sentiment behind it is admirable and all it means is “I’m going to love them” as their coach, this analogy can create unrealistic expectations and lead to confusion about what it truly means to be part of a team in today’s sport culture
No matter how much we care, we know a team and a family are different. They are created for different reasons! Aside from that, the definition of family is quite different from household to household!
In a family, the relationships are typically unconditional…but not always. In most cases, you don’t get cut from your family because you didn’t perform well enough at Thanksgiving dinner…unless you bring up politics or religion 😊. Families, ideally, are permanent and inclusive, regardless of individual performance or behavior. The love and support are supposed to be unwavering, even when things get tough. Think about the families you know that have gone to the ends of the earth to try to help a child, sibling or other family member, even when that person won’t help himself.
A team, on the other hand, is based on performance, goals, and the collective pursuit of success. In sports, not everyone gets to stay on the team. There are tryouts, cuts and tough decisions that must be made for the greater good of the team’s objectives.
Like a family, coaches help troubled kids, but that help often comes to an end more quickly than in a family dynamic. And the truth is, your spot on the team can come down to one bad decision!
When we start calling a team a family, we blur the lines between these two very different kinds of relationships, and this can have some unintended consequences.
You’ve probably experienced telling an athlete that the team is their family, and then, due to roster limitations, performance or behavioral issues or these new “roster caps”, they are no longer a part of the team. The emotional fallout from this can be devastating because we’ve set the expectation that being part of this group is like being in a family—something, in most kids’ cases, you don’t get kicked out of. This kind of language can lead to feelings of betrayal and abandonment, which are far more intense when the player has been led to believe they were part of a "family" and it stings a bit more for leaders, too, when “family members” don’t put the family first!
Most people don’t move in with another family because they aren’t getting the playing time they want, see a better situation or aren’t happy where they are. These opportunities are unique to a team-based relationship; this is not how family life works. And I’ve yet to hear about someone who decided to join or leave a family based on how much they would get should the family want to use their name, image or likeness!
Even so, like many of you, I wanted our team to feel like a family and I do love and care a ton about my former players, even those who did not finish their careers with us. But, on more than one occasion, referring to our program as a family wasn’t an accurate description. I even talked (or acted) out of the other side of my mouth.
A long time ago, we had a situation where I threw a player out of the dugout during the game. She left, went to the stands, and let everyone know. between a few f-bombs, how much she disliked my decision, but then reentered the dugout while I was in the 3rd base coaching box. I later asked her what gave her the impression that she was welcomed back to the team without a discussion with me or my staff. She said something to the effect of, “That's my family in there!” “There is no reason I can’t be in there with them. Nobody can keep me from them.”
That’s not exactly how I saw it, as you can imagine!
We did talk about family. It was an intentional label, but the truth is her family was in the stands. They were never in the dugout. Her teammates were in the dugout, and I was not her mom sending her to her room. I was her coach attempting to hold her accountable for her actions that were a distraction to our mission of playing a softball game at the time.
Whether we like it or not, the relationship is different. It has to be!
In another team vs. family scenario, I remember my response to a colleague on why I wasn’t interested in an athlete she thought I should be recruiting. “I hear how she talks to her mother”, I said. “Her mother may put up with it, but I don’t have to!”
In one case I was preaching “family = program” and in the other, I was saying, I don’t have to deal with that type of communication because I’m not family! In both, I knew the difference!
J.P. Nerbun host of the Coaching Culture podcast argues that while it's essential to create a supportive and close-knit team environment, calling it a family may not be the right moniker. He suggests that coaches should be clear about the nature of the team—it's a group of individuals working together toward a common goal, not an unbreakable, unconditional or even a dysfunctional, abusive family unit, depending on where you come from!
As leaders, it’s crucial to explain what we mean when we use analogies like "family." If we intend to promote a supportive environment, that’s great, but we must make sure our players understand that the team dynamic also involves competition, accountability, and sometimes difficult choices.
There is a ton of research on organizational culture highlighting the importance of clear communication in setting expectations. When we use metaphors, we must ensure that everyone involved understands the nuances of those comparisons.
Just like the experienced definition of a family may be very different for each person you lead, what hard work means to you may be very different than what hard work looks like to your players or even your staff.
Here is where important distinctions come in. No matter what we call our teams, DEFINING what things mean makes life easier for everyone. What do you mean when you say family? What does it mean to work hard? What does it mean to be on time? What does it mean to communicate? What does it mean to hold your teammates accountable? What does it mean to be precise in your cuts?
EVERYTHING needs to be defined from how we describe our connection to each other to how we wear our team gear. Then the definition must be backed up by a clear description of what behaviors/actions/inactions are acceptable and unacceptable. What is non-negotiable? What does the ideal situation look like, sound like, move like…live like? As coach Mark Bennett says, what do acceptable, unacceptable and exceptional look like?
Definitions matter and so does the language we use. A study by Smith and Stoll found that when coaches are explicit about their expectations and the nature of team relationships, athletes are better able to navigate the challenges of being on a competitive team. This doesn’t mean that the team can’t feel like a close-knit group; it just means that everyone is on the same page about what that closeness entails.
For instance, if we don’t make distinctions on how we are to manage tough conversations, speaking up, disappointment, etc., we may inadvertently set unrealistic expectations for how conflicts and performance issues will be handled. Families are often expected to forgive and forget, while teams must address issues head-on and make the best decisions for the group’s success.
So, if we’re not a family, what are we? Way of Champions podcast host John O’Sullivan suggests we consider the concept of a team as a "community" as a healthier alternative. A community can be close-knit and supportive, but it also recognizes that members come and go and that contributions to the group’s success are valued over time.
In the end, maybe it’s not about metaphors or what we call things! Maybe it’s more about being crystal clear on what we mean when we use them or set expectations.
What is acceptable and/or unacceptable? What behaviors must I exhibit to fit the team’s definition of hard work, precise cuts, teammate bonding, being respectful or any other construct that could be construed in many different ways based on experience or individual frames of reference?
Performance is a behavior. Communication is a behavior. What do we need to do??
What we say matters. What we call ourselves and others immediately suggests expectations of behavior. And if our expectations don’t match, we are bound to be disappointed.
So, keep calling your team a family if you’d like. Just be sure you let everyone know what that means to you so they can understand where they stand in the group. And while you’re at it, define everything else, too! Since we all come from different families and have different experiences, what we mean may be so far from someone else’s meaning, even if they are the most well-meaning kids you’ve ever coached!
By being clear and deliberate in your language and setting clear pictures of what behaviors are necessary to meet your definition of acceptable and/or exceptional, you’ll help your athletes understand what is expected and the unique and valuable role they play on the team…or family! And since they know what you mean, they’ll be less likely to irritate “coach mom” or “coach dad”! 😊
Manage the moments!
Julie
P.S. People often ask if I do workshops at schools, clubs or organizations! The answer is YES! Our workshops, for athletes, coaches, parents, business leaders and anyone who performs, can have a massive impact on those you lead!
Send me a text at 234-206-0946 or an email at juliej@ssbperformance.com and schedule a call to see how we can enhance your program’s mental approach!
Julie Jones
Mental Performance Coach
SSB Performance
juliej@ssbperformance.com • 234-206-0946
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