“They’re just jealous, Julie”, my mom would say! “Jealous of what?” I would think in my head. Of course, a mother can think of a million reasons someone would be jealous of her wonderful daughter. The daughter, not so much!
I don’t remember what prompted these conversations, but I am sure it had something to do with someone talking about me for some reason.
My mom’s words were meant to make me feel better and say, “It’s them, not you!”
Although this is not what she meant, she was on to something. Jealousy doesn’t make anyone better and when we are focused on someone else, we aren’t working to improve ourselves! They are getting better. We are probably getting worse!
You’ve seen it as a coach. You have kids vying for the same spot or playing time, and one takes herself out of the running. Not because she can’t do it, but because she is so focused on her competition or why her competition is getting the nod.
Sad. And frustrating!
We’ve all been there, whether on the field, in the office or life. You see someone else succeeding, and instead of feeling motivated, you wonder: “Why not me?” That’s that green-eye monster creeping in, and if we’re not careful, it can derail our performance.
Jealousy is natural, but when we let it take over, it impacts our focus, our confidence, and ultimately, our performance. Research consistently shows that when athletes focus on others rather than themselves, they underperform. Dr. Albert Bandura’s Self-Efficacy Theory reminds us that confidence comes from mastery experiences—our own successes, not what someone else does or says. If we’re too busy looking at others, we’re not focusing on what we can control: our performance.
What makes us see other’s opportunities differently than our own? We’ve talked in the past about the Reticular Activating System (RAS)—a bundle of nerves at the brainstem that acts like a filter. It helps us focus on what’s important, but here’s the kicker: it’s influenced by what we expect to see. So, if we’re constantly telling ourselves, “Others are getting ahead of me,” guess what? The RAS will filter information to reinforce that belief.
Imagine being at a swim meet, and your focus is on how fast your competitor is. Your RAS hones in on every detail that confirms they’re faster, stronger, or more skilled, leaving you distracted and doubting yourself. When this happens, you’re not noticing your form, your pace, or what you need to do to win. Instead, your brain is locked on someone else’s game. It’s like driving a race car while staring at the guy in the next lane—you’re bound to veer off course.
Jealousy is closely tied to social comparison, a concept explored by psychologist Leon Festinger – our cognitive dissonance guy! We naturally compare ourselves to others, but when those comparisons lead to jealousy, we fall into a trap. Instead of building our own strengths, we fixate on others’ advantages, which only amplifies our insecurities. Studies show that athletes who engage in constant social comparison report higher levels of stress and anxiety, both of which are detrimental to performance.
The good news is that there are strategies to shift our focus back to where it belongs: on us.
First, we can use Power Move #1 and Choose One Thought Over Another! When you catch yourself thinking, “Why are they getting ahead, getting more playing time, etc.?” flip the script. Ask questions that are focused on what YOU can do: “What can I learn from them? How can I improve?”
And if you have those who think “Coach always helps them but doesn’t help me”, remind them to listen to what the coach says to those around them and think of ways to use this information to improve their performance! All of this helps move your RAS from tracking what others are doing to what you can do to get better.
Next, since we don’t control outcomes goals (like winning), this is a good time to set process goals (like improving your passing accuracy or increasing your workout intensity). This reminds us of Power Tool #2 – Our Response-Ability, Events + Response = Outcome or E+R=O. Events (E) - Things happen to us, around us and because of us. Events plus our Response (R) - our ability to respond to events, which is a choice, equals our Outcome (O) - which, as we just mentioned, is out of our control.
As athletes, we don’t decide who plays. And as coaches, we don't decide who gets the bulk of the budget. But we do decide how we will respond to these things. A productive response, like thinking about our process when we do get in or what we can do with what we have, helps us focus on what we can control and influences whether or not we do what we are expected to do…which may lead to more opportunities.
We may not control what happens to us or our outcomes, but we control our response to both. How we respond has a HUGE impact on what happens next..and how we feel!
By focusing on process goals, we stick to things we can control. We can control how we line up and get focused. We control how much effort we give and whether we cover our area on defense. We don’t control where he goes, but we can control how we respond to it, which changes the outcome!
Process goals keep the focus on your performance, not others. Research shows that athletes who focus on process goals report higher satisfaction and less anxiety because they’re concentrating on what they can control.
Another way to keep our eyes from being green is to be grateful for what we have now! Studies show that gratitude rewires your brain to focus on the positive. When we’re grateful for our own progress, we’re less likely to feel jealous of others. Keeping a performance gratitude journal where you note three things you did well each day helps set that RAS up to look for the bright spots. Instead of focusing on your competition, focus on what you are doing well. Not to throw shade on their performance, but to take note of what is going well to keep yourself moving forward.
Positive emotion is one of the biggest predictors of peak performance. And as my friend and legendary coach Jim Tressel says, "Gratitude is one of the most powerful ways to keep our emotions balanced." Tony Robbins takes it one step further saying “You can’t be angry and grateful simultaneously. You can’t be fearful and grateful simultaneously. So, gratitude is the solution to both anger and fear.”
Our mental performance tools come in handy when it comes to staving off jealousy, too. Sounds like Power Move #3 – Manage Your State! Tools like deep breathing and mental rehearsal can help bring our attention back to the present moment—back to our performance. The more aware we are of our thoughts, the quicker we can stop negative comparisons in their tracks and get our arousal level where it needs to be to be our best!
And what would a, “we need to focus on us to get better” story be without thinking about Dr. Dweck’s Growth Mindset theory which teaches us to embrace challenges and learn from others’ success, rather than feel threatened by them? With a growth mindset, your competitor’s win isn’t a sign of your failure, but rather an opportunity to push your own limits.
Finally…to keep your eyes from turning green, keep your eyes on your own lane! Sometimes people get more because they are doing more...or different! What more…or different…do you need to do? The only way we can figure that out is if we are focused on using the information around us to improve our performance instead of comparing our performance!
In sports and life, jealousy can be a thief of joy and progress. When you focus on others, you’re not giving your own potential the attention it deserves. And remember, your RAS will find whatever you’re looking for—so if you’re seeking reasons why others are better or getting more opportunities, that’s exactly what you’ll find and yours will slip by without you even noticing. Why? Because you can’t focus on two things at once!
If we really want more opportunity, it’s time to turn our focus inward. Control what you can control, celebrate your small wins, and keep your eyes on your own lane. When you do, you’ll not only feel more confident, but you’ll also perform at a level you didn’t think was possible.
Manage the moments!
Julie
P.S. Include mental training in your workouts. Contact me to find out how!
Send me a text at 234-206-0946 or an email at juliej@ssbperformance.com and schedule a call to see how we can enhance your program’s mental approach!
Julie Jones
Mental Performance Coach
SSB Performance
juliej@ssbperformance.com • 234-206-0946